Monday, February 6, 2012


All of you are curious.

I would be too.

Going from a picture perfect family, to living life separated like this, is a shocker.

I struggled with sharing this.

Would I be exposing too much?

Then I realized, we had our lives splashed across the local news.

It wasn't my mug shot that scored the front page paper, but it might has well have been.

We currently live in northern IA in a small town with very little news.

So when something happens, it is all anyone talks about.

Now don't get me wrong.... I have been shocked by the outpouring of kindness, encouragement and support shown to us by almost everyone..


that doesn't mean people don't talk.

So since everyone else already knows, and you could quickly find out if you have any decent googling power, I might as well tell you.

I moved here in the early days of July. I moved into my own rental house, and enjoyed BD's company on fairly regular basis.

He resided in the country approximately ten minutes from where I was living. I would come out and cook him dinner, or he'd spend the night at my home. Since his parents are conservative Catholics, and own the home he resided in they strictly enforced the fact that I was not to be spending the night. Which we honored.

Looking back, there are plenty of things I missed, but remember.. LOVE IS BLIND.

One day in early November, I received a missed phone call from BD's father. On my next break, I called him back, finding it odd that he'd called. My heart was racing, assuming that he had seen my suitcase that I had haphazardly left at BD's home the night before. Aidyn was visiting family in Minnesota, and we had chosen to bend one of the rules, and have a night together. It hadn't been very romantic, and in fact I had gone to bed after a fight early the night before. So I was regretting breaking their rules as the phone rang. I wasn't looking forward to the verbal scolding that I assumed was coming.

Instead he only said, "Uhh, BD won't be coming home tonight."

I don't remember what I said back, only that it was fine, and that I would talk to him later.

Then my head started to race. Why would BD's dad call and tell me that? Why wouldn't Tony. Maybe he wanted to make sure I didn't go to BD's so that they could have a talk about me staying there. They had told him, that if I did stay out there, that he may be kicked out of the house!

I started texting him "Did your Dad find out that I spent the night at your house?"

No response.

So I called.

No response.

By the time I didn't hear back from him after work, I was nervous.

I decided that I would just face it and head over to his parents house.

If nothing else I would pick up the barn wood and stencils I needed to create the sign I wanted to make for BD's birthday

As I drove up the hill I was shocked by the image in front of me.

A half a dozen police cars, a trailer, and many police officers scattered in front of his home.

I had the insight to continue the half mile to his parents home.

I entered their house in a panic!

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" I screamed.

His mom met me at the front, and explained that BD had been pulled over for a minor traffic violation. At that time the cop was suspicious of BD, and that he had asked to search his car. (we will later find out that there was a prior investigation taking place, and this was part of the sting) BD had agreed, and they had found sever ounces of marijuana in his possession. He was in jail in another county. From there the police had gotten a subpoena to search the rest of BD's property.

With the help of a canine unit, they discovered that BD had been manufacturing a large quantity of Marijuana in a pig barn on the property.

We were all in a state of shock, as everything seemed to snowball out of control.

I immediately lost it.

I was so lucky that Aidyn was gone, and not there to witness all that took place in those initial days.

The rest of the day is a blur.

I fell asleep surrounded by Kleenexes and without eating well into the early morning hours.

The next day we spoke with lawyers, and the sheriffs department.

BD was to see the judge on just the traffic violation in the several ounces early that morning.

We waited for the news, and were told that he would be out on his own recognizance as of that afternoon.

I rode the hour and some odd minutes, in almost complete silence with his father.

When we got there, I seen the face of a broken man.

He pulled me in for a hug, and even though I had rage flowing through my whole body, I hugged him back.

He simply said "I thought, I had lost you and Aidyn forever."

Later that day, after many words, I promised him that I would try and make it work.

ONLY under these circumstances:

That he undergo a drug rehabilitation counseling
That he meet with a priest/pastor
That he never under any circumstances touch marijuana or any illegal drug again.

Sure, I knew that BD smoked marijuana.

Did I care?

As long as it wasn't around my son... Nope!

In fact if we WANT to get into a debate over it (which we wont right now..) I believe it should be legal, but OBVIOUSLY it had seriously clouded his judgement and placed himself, and our family in jeopardy.

At this point he still hadn't been charge with the large portion of the charges, and was free to go with the understanding that he be back to court, and that he undergo a drug evaluation.

Since he wasn't on any restrictions to leave the state, we headed to Minnesota to get our son who had been staying with family to celebrate Halloween. That Sunday we attended church with my best friend.

I can say this with every ounce of my being. God met us there.

The sermon started out, with the pastor stating that he changed the sermon today because he felt that God told him to. From there every word that he said seemed meant for BD's ears. By the time he was halfway through, we were both in tears. I clung to his hand, and prayed with him as he accepted Jesus into his heart.

BD was raised in a Catholic home, and has a very spiritual family, but I believe that was the very first moment that he began a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

After the service we waited in line, and met with the pastor personally. I loved that he didn't sugar coat anything and gave it to us both as it was. He told us, that it is easy to be sorry once you are "caught" but its another thing to change your lives and live the truth. It was time for us to start living our lives the way God taught us to.

Even though I wasn't involved in the drugs, I was still living a life in sin. From that day forward we started taking baby steps towards live our lives the way God would want us to.

Within the last month BD and I had started praying together, doing devotionals, and had stopped sleeping together. We felt convicted to act in accordance to God's words. It was hard, but we felt a peace in our lives, that was otherwise not there.

There was a lot of stress in our lives, that would have otherwise broken us, but with Gods love and guidance we had begun to grow together, and to lean on each other, and on God for strength.

Right before Christmas BD was arrested the second time on the larger charges of manufacturing marijuana. Again he was released the next day, this time with criteria and a probation officer. He was not allowed to drink alcohol, do any for of drug, was not allowed to be in procession of a fire arm, and must check in with his probation officer on a regular basis. He also had mandatory urine test at random.

All things that were understandable, and BD had no problem (minus the firearm..since he is an avid hunter) following all of these regulations.

Life began a new kind of normal, and we eventually got into a new routine. Things weren't great, but they were live able.

BD is fortunate to have two very loving parents who are able to afford him one of the best attorneys in the state. Even still it was with his attorney that BD was advised that pleading guilty to all four charges including:
Two delivery charges (which were controlled buys)
One intent to deliver
One manufacturing charge.

was in his best interest.

He plead guilty this previous Thursday, and from there was placed into immediate custody by a U.S. marshall. Even though this case has gone Federal, BD was sent to the county jail until sentencing which the date has yet to be decided.

A lot of big numbers were thrown around and it was pretty scary. Luckily this is BD's first offence and he hopefully qualifies for a program that would mean he would not have a mandatory minimum sentence. If not his mandatory minimum would be five years, all the way up to fifty-five years! Lets hope and pray he qualifies!

If he qualifies, and his expert witness is able to lower the weight, the state has placed on the marijuana he could see as little as probation or house arrest. If not the prosecuting attorney was talking somewhere between 12 and 27 months with good time to be taken off the end.

No matter what happens, it still sucks.

Any amount of time with out BD in mine or my sons life, is hard.

We miss him every second.

I know it will be hard for any of you to understand why or how we are still together.

I'm sure there will be plenty of my mothers who will be shocked that I still allow him in my sons life..

In fact thats why I struggled with whether or not to even share any of this...

Still, I know that God has forgiven him.

He forgives me!

God's standards are SO high that ALL of us fall short.

It is because of Jesus dying on that cross, that we are forgiven.

That we have a second chance.

God has given me the heart to forgive him.

So even though it is hard living life on the other side...

I know that God has a master plan for us, and I am SO excited to see what that is!

The beginning.

My boyfriend sits in jail four hours away.

The father of my child.

My future husband.

Sporting a orange jumpsuit.

His day is dictated to him from 0630 until the moment he goes to sleep at night.

I look at him through a glass wall.

I talk to him through a phone whose cord is fraying from years of use, and lack of funding.

I waited in a waiting area for a half an hour before visiting time began.

Sitting amongst women, in similar situations.

We all look different, but our eyes share the same pain.

I handed my liscenses to the woman through a slot.

She is seperated from "us" through a bullet proof window.

She snarled next, after tossing me a key to the locker where I will place my belongings.

I then ride the elevator to the fourth floor, where I get off to speak with my boyfriend for exactly thirty minutes.

At that point a jailor yells "TIMES UP!"

Immediately our time is up.

We quickly blow eachother kisses, and before he walks out the door, he mouths that he loves me.

I look around at the few seats that are filled with others in my same situation.

They look just as normal, as I feel I am.

They're just doing exactly what I am doing...

Living life on the other side.